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";s:4:"text";s:11439:"He barely notices as Ben walks away towards the baggage claim, and he takes a minute to sit on one of the chairs near the gate trying to compose himself. And now he can't.Moving through the hospital on autopilot, Reid disengages with the conversations around him. It’s out of his mouth before he can stop himself and he immediately regrets it. All he can think is that he has to; somehow, he has to find a way to see Luke. As the plane rockets down the runway, his hand instinctively grips the armrest and he’s terrified and uncomfortable and hating every second of it, even when a warm hand rests on top of his and squeezes gently. The human condition as they say, avoiding loneliness.”, “I’ve spent most of my life lonely,” Reid admits softly, hoping Luke understands. title: two hundred and thirty five. I don't know. Maybe because Reid is here, tangible and real and scared and alive. Ben answers on the second ring, and Reid knows that he's been awake for hours and has probably already had breakfast and used the gym. “No.” Luke pauses, looking at his hands folded in his lap and Reid wonders what he must be thinking - whether they’re both thinking the same thing. Might think twice next time." And I'm not going to forget what I did, and I don't want you to either. But that was before I knew what having a life was like. “I forgot about your partner, sorry. But Luke, maybe as a result of his own disastrous past took the cowards way out and ran away, and Reid has no respect for that. Luke whispers, a tear forming in the corner of his eye. It’s another few minutes before anyone else appears and the second Reid see’s him, his jacket draped over his shoulder and deep in conversation with who Reid assumes is the Captain, the only thing Reid can think is – of course it’s him. (Lyrics from: Gonna Get There Someday -Dierks Bentley). Who knows.”. ", Reid looks at him questioningly, like he can’t quite believe that Luke is asking him that. Bad things happen. He’s lovely, one of the best. I'm worried too. Before long, the plane evens out and his heartbeat slows, because it’s always take off that’s the worst. ", "You must be an inspiring teacher," Rolling his eyes, Luke imagines Reid lecturing to a room full of undergrads. "The rest of the family?” Reid questions after a quiet moment. Recent Entries; Friends; Profile; Archive; Tags; Categories; Memories; May 2nd, 2013, 10:02 am When something you're not sure you even want is taken away from you, it's amazing the kind of clarity it gives you. Remember how good that was? I left them all there to die because I was selfish and wanted to live. ". They happen everywhere, I see them all the time. Because you would be happy, and we would be a family and that was all that mattered. author: inflowers.pairings: luke/oc (sort of), reid/oc (sort of), luke/reidrating: pg-13ish. “Cabin crew prepare for gate departure, arm doors and cross-check.”. "Good morning." Surely he hadn’t heard that correctly, surely it isn’t – because it can’t be – because, what if it is? He’s within arms reach, and Reid can’t stop himself before he reaches out and grabs hold of Luke’s arm, turning him in the process. The helicopter they picked me up in had six other people. Nothing left to prove to him that they're worth more.“I know.” Reid replies, and he can't bring his eyes to meet Luke's the way he used to. “At the hotel.” Still walking side-by-side Reid wonders if he should explain. Thank you, and enjoy the flight.”Reid ignores the safety demonstration going on around him (because he’s convinced that if the plane goes down, they’ll all die anyway and knowing where the whistle on his life jacket is won’t help), and instead unfolds the medical journal sitting in his lap. I’m done with the guilt, and I think you should be too. People always say that they’ll stay friends, but life has a way of driving wedges where you don’t want them. ""For hearing me out. She wanted me to help her, say something, do something that would make it alright and I couldn’t. “You remember what hotel, right?”. He knows what it's like to have that moment every day where you wonder if there's any point carrying on, if there's no one there to witness it.“I'm so sorry.” Luke whispers, over and over. “Luke, I – Ben, he’s my-“, “Reid.” Luke stops him mid sentence and stops their walking, turning to face him and forcing him to make eye contact. I don’t remember getting out of my seatbelt but I remember the glass smashing and I just knew that I had to keep swimming, that if I wanted to live I just had to keep moving. The weather looks good in New York, and we hope to have you on the ground by 7:25pm. ", "It probably doesn't help that your parents are borderline insane. ", "Why didn't you call me?" Who is that? In this song, “Existentialism on Prom Night,” it’s underlying meaning is to lay out the fact that decisions need to be made. Bad things happen. "Why? He had forgotten how long it had been since he'd used all those muscles, but he appreciates the reminder because the smell of Luke on his pillow has started to fade and he's not sure he's ready for all traces to be gone. :). chapter four. “I guess there are a lot of things we never knew about each other.” Luke says softly, his own focus turning towards the windows and watching everything whir past him, like everything else that he can’t control and he’s not sure if he wants to scream out stop or whether he’s just glad that the world is still turning, even after everything. Screaming or crying or metal scraping on metal, but I didn’t expect the silence. It’s happened so many times in the past few years alone that I’m just exhausted trying to keep up.”. If he can just zero in, try to escape for the next three and a bit hours, he won’t feel like he’s seconds away from death. He can almost see everything. I don’t know what I expected, I expected there to be some kind of noise. I just can’t believe I never knew.”. To. It either crushes you, or you find that you can finally breathe. It’s not simple but it’s real.”, “I don’t know about you.” Reid admits, shrugging. "Reid doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know what to say. How is Luke so calm? Because it’s been so many years, yet there’s still something in his blood that pines for Luke, even if Reid hasn’t been conscious of it for what seems like forever. “The great Dr Oliver lost for words? You gave me an out, all the time to walk away and find someone who wanted what I did but I always held hope in the back of my mind that one day I’d be able to convince you that we would be great parents.”, “I don’t know.” He replies, honestly if nothing else. Dragging his carry-on behind him, Reid hurriedly makes his way down the sky-bridge and begrudgingly thanks the flight attendant who shows him to his seat. “Of course I did. “I usually fly Delta.” Reid answers, still not making eye contact and more interested in his feet as they scuttle across the airport tiles. “And not that I expect any of you to truly understand my particular level of brilliance, but this technique had previously never been attempted. He can almost see what Luke looked like, how they were. "They're searching the water now but how could anyone survive that? For not being there when you needed me to be. You just can’t accept that I got one over on you.” Luke laughs gently, the banter coming easily to them as the mask the painful rift that still exists in the chasm between their bodies, side by side in the cab hurtling them towards the city. ", "I'm getting there." Reid chuckles, remembering the deep fondness he had for Lucinda and the disappointment he feels at not having kept in contact with her. I never thought I’d see the day.”. He lets his body fall against Luke’s, pulling their lips together and crushing them with the weight of everything they’ve ever and never wanted to say to one another. And you have to know, I want to.”“I do.” Luke affirms, nodding quickly and sniffling loudly. Luckily Luke catches up quickly and they walk in silence until they reach what looks like an elaborate airline lounge. It’s terrifying and he wants to demand that they go to a hospital or somewhere where there are people better equipped to handle post traumatic emotions, but Luke won’t move and Reid isn’t about to make him.Instead, he stays silent and listens, while Luke mutters and sobs and tries to explain but Reid isn’t sure whether Luke is talking to him or to himself. I drive a hard bargain.”, “Unless you’re being blackmailed.” Luke smiles as the cab pulls away from the curb and they begin the journey. One minute everything was fine and the next the Captain was telling me that there was something wrong, and there was this loud bang and suddenly everything was going wrong and we couldn't control the plane no matter how hard we tried and I just...""Luke, you have to breathe. “I mean… it’s not like there wasn’t for me too, you know?”, “People move on. “Relax, Reid.” The voice calms him, and he breathes deeply before reluctantly taking the hand offered to him in comfort. I don’t remember the water. Or do you live here now?”, “No, I’m – I’m in Dallas, I just come here once a month. Luke speaks quietly, like talking too loudly will ruin everything. What if it isn’t even him? You're panicking. I wanted it. It takes him a few seconds longer to wake up completely, and Reid is sure that he's going to freak out the second their eyes make contact. He doesn’t even have it in him to be embarrassed about his reaction, because there are two things in this world that Reid Oliver cannot stand: small spaces, and air travel. "This doesn't have to be it forever, you know. “Because why?” Reid gently pushes when Luke can’t find the words. I’ve spent the better part of a decade thinking you walked away because you didn’t love me anymore. shoutouts). He doesn't even think about him, instead focuses on glioblastomas and non-invasive debulking techniques. We can be... well, we can be friends.""Friends?" You showed me how happy I could be and I thought you knew that by the time I agreed with you that we should find a surrogate and have a family; it wasn’t just because you had nagged me enough. Somehow ruin everything more than he already has. ""Give me half an hour to have a shower and get changed. The familiar gesture comforts them both, but Reid falters for a moment wondering if this was how Luke touched him. He has no leg to stand on, when he used his to walk away. "What happened?" He leaves the doctors lounge, the bile rising up in his stomach and he makes it to the courtyard before it all comes out and he's left heaving and dry retching because there's nothing left. ""For what? Reid questions, his heart sinking at the loss of such an incredible woman. He knows it shouldn't, that if they're going to get past this and if they're going to get better he has to learn how to overcome it. But he realizes that he wouldn’t know where to start, and the rational, logical part of his brain steps in and tells him that if Luke wanted to be near him, if Luke wanted his help, then he wouldn’t have left.Reid turns on the television again and sees the news from the day before, slightly updated. 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